I have been really grouchy lately. At first I thought it was hormones because of the pregnancy, but I realized that I am angry. Angry at Rebecca, Maria, Eric, and Tiffany. Angry because Rebecca abandoned her family and left behind a trail of hurt and confusion. Angry at the Sanders because they stole my daughter and think they are her heroes. Angry because I can't tell Rebecca how hurt she has made me without playing her game and letting her think she has won. I know her goal with everything she has done is to hurt me. Changing her last name to Sanders, putting Maria down as her mother, calling her Mommy, Maria and Rebecca probouncing their mother daughter love for each other all over Facebook, etc. I can't tell Maria off because then I stoop to her level and become as petty as she is being telling Facebook that we are horrible people and she is wondergful and that her and Rebecca are going to get mother daughter tatoos.
I have so much anger towards these people and towards what Rebecca is doing. My hands are tied because no matter what I want to do, I still end up the bad guy and make them look like the knights in shining armor. It is very frustrating. Richard is holding out hope that she will be back before the baby is born, but I know she won't. Until Tiffany graduates next year and they still need a babysitter for James, she will stay there. Once she has to get a job and pay for her own stuff and bills, she will not be home.
It angers me that she threw all of us away for this new family. Her siblings did nothing to her and yet she won't talk to them or even try to keep in contact with them. Riley has no idea who she is anymore and this new baby will not know her until he or she is walking and over a year old. Rebecca is missing out on so much and she does not care. How can you leave your family so you can be an adult and still act like a child?
Richard was finally able to adopt her without all the crazy paperwork on December 21st of last year. We were all sealed together in 2006. Does that not mean anything to her anymore? She has not been to church since the Adult Session of Stake Conference in February. Does she still believe? Does she even care? Or is this new "family" and their "freedom" mean more to her now?
I am just not sure what to think or how to get my closure. Part of me wants to drag her home and beat the holy crap out of her and then beat the holy hell out of Maria and Tiffany, but then I would be having this baby in jail. I think she knows how much she has hurt us and she just does not care about anyone but herself. That was not how she was raised, that is what they are teaching her. She is no longer my daughter, she has become theirs. Through her want or their manipulation, I don't know. I pray for her to stop and for the hurt to stop, but every day something else reminds me.
Will the pain ever stop?
1 comment:
These past two years I have learned Rhonda, that with blessing's of new comes hurt of old. I wondered to myself 3 years ago- how can I celebrate and be married to my love James while my daughter Nia was snatched and stolen from me by her bio dad based all on lies and vindictiveness of bitter behavior that he has for me. I have no answer for this very thought. It baffles me that we have joy and pain on earth and in life all at the same time. We all think that happiness is all things going right. In all honesty, I think happiness is understanding life's betrayals and accepting what we cannot change in the moment but yet have hope to do so for the coming days. If anyone knows what you are feeling it is me. I have experienced this- on a personal level with a child of my own but as well as from my own betraying mother. The pain does not leave, you just learn to adapt to heart break and loss. No words can erase what you are experiencing. Usually, when a person strikes another- as you have mentioned in Rebecca's doings and the people she is living with- is based on their own personal deep pain. Part of what you are in charge of in life is making room for loss and pain. If we break as people when these times happen upon us, what good are we to the other people, children, husband, and so forth are we to in life? I had no time to break 3 years ago because Austin, Phu, and James needed me. You are in the same boat. When you think about this- you will have to find a place to let go of your anger and pain. Other people's actions are just that- theirs alone. How you respond will either keep things stable, make them worse, or hinder your purpose and path in life. We are all bound to loss and tragedy. It is apart of our existence, as hard as it gets to take- we must. I have thought about writing them a letter and tell them how you feel-? Without name calling of course or finger pointing. It is good that you wrote this blog - your next step should be to let those know who hurt you. It is apart of the process of forgiving, moving on, and releasing sincere painful feeling's in life. Bottling up our personal hurts and betrayals only drowns our spirit. I cannot predict nor tell you anything that will lesson this woe. What I can say is that I understand everything you said, I know how you feel, and I am here for you any time. Sometimes nothing can heal a woe in life, only adapting and time passing allows room for change. I love you. I am here. You are not alone. And release your anger. Tana
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